


the very sigh that silence heaves

by pettigrace (orphan_account)



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 03:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4419947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/pettigrace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After years of struggle, Jesse is finally content with his life. There's barely anything that could make it even better.  One thing that could make it worse, however, is his flat mate discovering his biggest secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the very sigh that silence heaves

**Author's Note:**

  * For [moanriarty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moanriarty/gifts).



> Thanks at Leni for being my beta!

Sometimes he almost forgets about it himself. Usually it's irrelevant, nobody seems to care, nobody  _knows_ . And in those moments, he doesn't know it either. Because it shouldn't be important.

But at the same time it's so, so present. He notices looks that are directed at him for longer than necessary. He notices how his voice gets higher when he's nervous, too high. He can never really ignore it.

It hits him when he meets old classmates or relatives he hasn't seen in years. Then he notices.  _Is it really him? Yes, of course it's him. The short hair really looks good on him. The clothes are a problem, though_ . Then he nods only and smiles nervously, doesn't say the clothes are on purpose. Sometimes he even wears skinny jeans, but with a big shirt that hides his hips.

When he visits his mum, he talks himself into pretending that he's a spy, because he actually does feel like it, somehow. As if an authority – may it be God or only biochemical processes – has put him into this life, this wrong life, already at his birth, to get to know how it is to live like this.

But there's one tiny problem: there's nobody he has to report to. There's him, only him, who even understands just how wrong  _everything_ is.

Nobody cares that he thought how dumb ponytails look on him years ago already. That he doesn't care about horses. But then he thought, okay, not everybody is the same. He doesn't have to like the same things as others.  
But then it got worse. He didn't just think his  own  hair was weird, he started  _hating_ it. Some day he used  a pair of scissors. Cut it off. His mum was so angry, yelled at him.  _Why did he do that?_ He couldn't explain it to her. He couldn't tell her that he hates long hair. She had long hair and he loved her hair, has loved it since forever. As a punishment, she didn't give him a nice haircut, not even money to go to the hairdresser. And he had to live with the looks and laughter he earned for his weird chop of hair.

Then he just let it grow again. So that it's a bit longer again, but only reaches to his shoulders. His curls make them look a bit shorter, too. It's not exactly what he wants, but he can live with it. As long as his mum doesn't look at him like  _that_ again.

It got even worse when his body started changing. Somehow he'd hoped it'd miss him. After all, everyone else in school had it years ago already. He really thought it wouldn't happen.

But no. Of course not.

The change came slowly, as if hunting and not wanting to scare him off, but when it came, it hit hard. One day he couldn't close his blouse anymore because his breasts got so big. He felt like crying. It felt like he was captured, imprisoned in this cage placed around his soul, and he just couldn't escape. He almost wished it could be as simple as with his hair, that he could just grab some scissors and change his body. But it didn't work, sill doesn't, he just can't do it. Even if he wasn't so scared of pain, it would break his mother's heart. His mother who loves her daughter so much.

Now that he doesn't live at home any more, more than a hundred miles apart from everyone who knows him, it was easier to put on his other role. The right role, the one he was meant to  _be_ . His hair is even a bit shorter, wide clothing that his mum would throw out of the window if she ever were to see them. After all, he's such a pretty girl and other people would kill for such a nice body. That's something you gotta show.

That he sometimes thinks about committing a murder because of his body, his own death, he doesn't say.

He hears his mum every morning in front of the mirror when he gets ready. He can hear how she shouts at him. How she demands he shouldn't hide himself. How she whispers into his ear how glad she is that her daughter is so pretty. He tries his best to ignore her but it never works.

She is there when he puts on make-up. He's seen videos on how to make his face look more masculine. She is there when he grabs the bandages. He puts them around his breasts. That's something he discovered on accident when he's been over at a friend's. She's had skin problems and for some reason, bandages were supposed to help. He noticed how her breasts looked smaller when she wore them. It works with his as well. They're not really big anyways.

Here nobody knows about his other life.

Here he is Jesse. He likes his name, it's basically the same as he one his mother gave him, Jessie, it sounds the same, but it feels so much better. He knows how much the name means to his mother, he's named after her grandma Jessica. And when anyone asks why someone spelled his name with an ‘I’, he can say it was a typo. It's pretty easy.

Here he is Jesse, a young man who studies dramatic arts and works at a bookshop.

His voice has never been particularly high and even if somebody noticed, they've never mentioned it. He has the feeling that actually, everybody knows. He probably doesn't even move like a typical boy. Maybe his hands are girl hands.

But if they knew, would they let him live like his? Would somebody discover his lies? He is so close to living just how he wants to, it's more than he's ever hoped for.

His boss is an old man who says petty often that he's gonna die soon, although he seems pretty healthy. He says if Jesse continues working so greatly, he'll inherit the shop. Then the man laughs and claps his shoulder. A bit too strong but he knows, it's meant in the nicest way.

Jesse knows people at university, he talks with them about everything and nothing.

One of them does ballet. He used to do it as well, but stopped at one point because he felt like it reminded him so much of what he is supposed to be, not who he really is. He liked it, really, but in the end he couldn't just put on the Tutu any more.

The girl – Rachel, he remembers – has noticed his looks and says he could tag along some time if he wanted to. He wouldn't be the only guy.

He isn't sure. Even if he didn't have to change at the studio, they would notice he's only used to the woman's parts. That his body isn't made for the man's parts. He says he would think about it, but in reality it's already decided. He won't go.

He has never had a date. He doesn't even know if he likes men or women. He has never even though about having a relationship. When he sees women, he feels like they show him a picture. A picture of what he should look like. How he should move and act. Men remind him of what he  _wants_ to look like. And that it will never happen.

He doesn't even live on his own. He's not sure how it's even possible. At the amount of prayers he sends off every day, you could think he believes in God.

His flatmate is great, really. Sebastian knows how to cook, he's funny and goes on to rant about random things really easily. He's sarcastic and studies law, something that seems to be a good combination. He goes out pretty often, to gay bars, he likes men. Most of the time he is out the whole night. Sometimes Jesse can hear him come home. He never brings anyone with him.

Sebastian is way taller than him and at his last birthday, he gave Jesse a pink footstool, so he could reach the kitchen shelves. Jesse gave it to Blaine, a mutual friend, the person who introduced them.

Sebastian jokes pretty often, but he's never really mean. Jesse likes him.

Sometimes he watches him.

How he moves, how his toes tap to the beat of the song playing on the radio. How his shirt reveals some of his stomach when he stretches out in the morning, coming into the kitchen.

Sometimes Jesse is jealous. Everything about Sebastian shouts “man!“. As if it were written above his head. In capital letters. He can't really describe why he thinks so, he's fascinated by it.

And sometimes he blushes and looks away quickly so Sebastian won't notice.

He even has two facebook accounts. One has been active for years, back when he went to High School. That's where he's friends with all the people from his old life. He'd like to just delete it sometimes, but then people would ask questions. And then he wouldn't be able to explain.

The other account he made shortly after moving here. Basically he's been forced to do it, because when he said he didn't have facebook, the girls he talked to said that can't be true and that they needed to befriend him immediately.

Neither of the accounts can be showed to you unless you have a direct link or are friends with him already. There are no mutual friends. He really is a spy.

It's basically perfect, the only problem is when his mother invites him home. Then he has to put up with his other role again, the one he barely is able to play. He's put on a dress to distract her from his way too short hair, and it's worked quite well, actually. She's only mentioned it three times but then she went on to ask him about his classes. If she's known he shares his flat with a man, she probably would've asked him about that as well. Typical girly stuff.

He's just come home, still wearing a dress but it's been hidden by a long coat when he's been outside. The flat has been quiet, Sebastian must be out, maybe he's at Blaine's or something.

Jesse has just taken off the dress when he notices he's doomed. Everything he's worked for, his secret, it's over.

The door opens.

 

\--

 

Sebastian sighs before raising his hand to knock on the door. Then, he shakes his head, nervously chuckling to himself. Why should he knock? He's been in that room so often, often enough without knocking. It's the excitement that makes him act weirdly. He’s been on his own for a whole weekend, he’s not used to this. Jesse had been gone, Blaine had been gone, all his friends from university had been visiting family while he was stuck with three papers to write. He breathes in deeply and opens the door without hesitation then, starting, "Hey, I wanted to--" 

At the sight of Jesse standing there, pressing a t-shirt against his chest, looking uncomfortable, Sebastian stops. "Do you mind--  _Hold the fuck up_ , Is that a dress?" 

There it is, a pile of fabrics that really seems to form a piece of clothing produced to flatter the curves of a female body, lying in a corner of the room. The pink does only underline that effect. 

"I-I've been at my parents.", Jesse says, his voice shaking. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "My mum gave it to me." 

"What?", Sebastian says, walking over to the dress and picking it up. He holds it against his own body. "Does she think you're a girl or what?", he chuckles, looking down the dress. 

"Bas.", Jesse walks over to him, stopping about three feet in front of him. He makes a long pause, takes a deep breath again. He doesn't look good at all. "I was born as a girl." 

Sebastian looks up, the smile fading away, making room for a confused expression. He sees Jesse take  he shirt away from his body - and lets the dress fall down. His eyes dart towards the small  adipose tissues  that appear on Jesse's chest, not sure what to think. Jesse is playing tricks on him, right? 

As if he had read his mind, Jesse says quietly, "You- you can touch them... If you want." 

Sebastian steps forward, his hand reaching out. He's never touched any boobs except his mum's probably, and now he is about to touch his supposed-to-be-male flat mate's? 

They are soft and warm, Sebastian notices, they seem real. He strokes over the flesh softly, drawing circles around the nipples that get hard under the touch. He pulls back his hand, and whispers "You're playing  _She's The Man_ with me?" 

He looks up to Jesse's face, sees the sad look on his face and regrets the words immediately. Jesse shakes his head. "No. Bas, I am more honest with you than with my own _mo_ _ ther _ \--" 

And it makes sense. Jesse said he was  _born_ a girl, not that he  _is_ a girl. The letters that added an extra "I" to Jesse's name, the letters that were for a "Jessie St James" - they had no official mistakes. And Sebastian understands. Jesse's body is female, but his heart is male.

Sebastian places his left hand on Jesse's hip, touching both that fabric of the jeans he wears, and the warm skin. His other hand drives through the brown curls that frame Jesse's face. He looks so terribly nervous, so scared of Sebastian's reaction that he couldn't suppress this reaction.

"You're a beautiful man, Jesse." His hand stops at the back of Jesse's head and presses the other boy's forehead against his lips. "I suppose you get dressed now and tonight you'll go out for dinner with me and Blaine? That actually was what I planned to ask." 

"I-- Do you still--?" 

Sebastian nods, the nervousness crawling back. "If- oh god, I suck at that- yes, I still like you, you're a cool dude. I  _seriously_ like you and discovering that you weren't born as a boy doesn't change that because you're still Jesse St fucking James, probably the most badass person I ever met – you're barely ever pissed at me-- and who would annoy Blaine together with me if I sent you off? How stupid would that be?" 

"Of course I want.", Jesse says and loosens Sebastian's hand from his hip. He still sounds a bit shaken, but he's smiling so that's a thing. "Then go and let me get dressed." He walks over to his table and picks up something - bandages.  

Sebastian has never met a transgender person before, at least not that he's aware of – he's just seen how he shouldn't be too sure about people's gender unless they specifically mention it to him. But he's encountered a few posts about them on Blaine's blog – he's always been a fighter for social justice – and they said that for some reason you should  _not_ use bandages to hide your breasts.

"Is that safe?" 

“What?”, Jesse asks, his arms in front of his chest now, he doesn't feel comfortable with Sebastian here and he thinks he should just  _leave._

“The bandages.”, he says instead. “Why don't you have a proper... you know...  _thing_ ?”

“A binder?”, Jesse asks. He looks down at the bandages in his hands. “I don't know, I... uh, I couldn't order one at home and here I just... I'm too used to these I guess.”

Sebastian stares at him. “Okay, listen. You're gonna get dressed and then we'll get you a  _binder_ .”

Jesse's mouth falls open. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah of course.”, Sebastian replies and walks to the door. “We want you to be comfortable  _and_ healthy. Oh, and... of course I won't tell anyone.”

He means it. It may be weird for him, he has so many questions, he's so confused and in  _awe_ how Jesse hid it from him, but it's not his part to say anything. Everything in Jesse's pace. This is like a coming out, right? He remembers his own too well, he doesn't want to pressure him.

“Thank you, Bas.”, Jesse says slowly. “This means a lot. You can't imagine how much.”

 


End file.
